To clarify, I do believe in the words in the bible and I find comfort in many verses, but not in the way modern Christianity interprets it. Such as the need for multiple translations that filter the true words. For instance, why are Christians expected to follow the bible, yet don't follow the Old Testament's beliefs? Modern Christians interpret the Old Testament to be 'outdated' so how can they truly be claiming to be Christians? I also don't agree with how many claiming the religion of Christianity have unfairly judged me because I'm hyper and eccentric or have an interest in knowledge and learning as much as I can of a wide variety of subjects and so am perceived as a know-it-all rather than an intelligent woman with a lot to offer the world. Same issue with how I was judged to be 'Satanic' in high school only based on my fashion choices which were predominately 'Gothic' and black or creatively dark. In reality, I was very devoutly Christian at the time. So much so that I read my bible daily, carried it to school and 'preached' to others about the truth of their demise and afterlife. Life experiences have altered my beliefs and dedication, but I do still read the bible. I just no longer force it upon anyone and am instead eager to answer questions and enjoy a religious debate. I also still pray, yet believe that the power of faith is dependent upon the will of God and how we accept that what we seek may not be granted.
I've always been one to believe in Karma, doing good for others an basically the other 'new age' ideals which I never realized how much they fit who I am. So much so that I tend to get walked on and hurt. In every situation, I tend to give kindness even when it is not deserved. I also used to meditate regularly and then I let life get in the way. There truly is a difference when you take the time to stop life and focus. Then add in my chosen name for my photography business. Soul Gaze is also a part of that culture. Belly dance and tribal have always interested me as with many other aspects of cultures from that part of the world. What I wouldn't give for the money and knowledge of the culture to properly understand how to wear a Sari and the rest of the graceful and feminine clothing. I've been thinking a lot lately since I've become addicted to Bollywood movies and how happy I feel watching them. I find very little enjoyment in modern life, yet through these movies and their culture I truly smile and laugh. I feel my soul more alive than ever. I love the simplicity and how they appreciate the beauty found in the world that exists around us all and how they represent the ideals of true, soul-mate love that I believe in so strongly.
I also enjoy Yoga and other forms of mind and body strengthening. Hiking and spending time in nature brings me more pleasure than anything in the world. I feel so free and alive outdoors whether lost in the woods or floating on my back under the stars. It all just fits. All I know, is I need to learn more and decide for myself, but finding local information will be very difficult. I feel that I will be discouraged at the face of judgement and lack of support, but I will face that obstacle too. For my mantra has been, "everything happens for a reason".
I am just tired of not feeling 'at home' in society and am seeking the companionship of others with a free-thinking mindset who focus on life and the happiness of others, not on the expectations based within rigid minds over centuries of wars and misguided tolerance. I feel that if I can find inner peace and acceptance, then these painful judgements and hard memories will no longer influence who I am, but will instead be another stepping stone towards my future.What I need is to find others like me, preferably locally, so that I can ask questions and learn. To grow and discover where I belong. I am tired of how judgmental Christianity can be. I do not agree with such events as judging others or even historical situations of discrimination such as the anti-gay camps designed to abolish such thoughts in a way that is degrading. So many Christians claim to be Christian, yet persecute each other daily. I've been two multiple churches and they all have the same hollow judgements and cliches regarding wealth and status. Always money requests and threats of damnation. Where is the peace, acceptance and honestly? Where is the comfort and encouraging the reality of a universe full of unique people regardless of their eccentric ways? This is my quest: to find the freedom to be at peace without being required to be rich or change anyone to believe the way I do or suffer the consequences. To focus upon a calm mind, good heart and appreciation for life and every unique aspect of the universe. In the end, maybe Hinduism won't be the religion for me, but I definitely plan to seek out and study the differences of religions until I find spiritual enlightenment. For there is truly a God which whom we should believe and seek to improve and understand our life.