After weeks of unfairly cold weather, we finally are being blessed with an awesome stretch of 70 degree weather in a few days! In eager anticipation, I've been attempting to gather my thoughts and obtain completion of all my awaiting tasks and projects so that I can get outdoors and explore. It seems that time is so much more valuable a commodity than anything on this planet. Well, at least when referring to material goods. If only we could pause time and avoid sleep to better complete projects. I'm something like a Borg Drone. I see no logic in sleep. Despite the lovely (and sometimes not so lovely) dreams we have and its obvious health benefits. I just have so much to do with so little time. With my Husband working 3rd shift, everything is up to me. I do most of my work while the kids are at school and staying up late at night. This has proven unhealthy with the consequence being weight gain from late night snacking while editing.
My plan this year, is to get outside more and live again. Truly live. No more tied to my work when I rarely post my work anyway from issues believing in myself. My Husband recently upgraded my camera and we had to replace my broken computer due to a failed hard drive. One night I was depressed again and doubting my abilities. Even to the point of not feeling worthy of my gear. He spun me around to face him so that our hips met and my face was in his hands. He very seriously looked me in the eyes and simply said, "I believe in you."
His logic was that if he can spend money that should go towards the remainder of our debt from his layoff last year then I shouldn't doubt my ability. Had he doubted me, he'd not took the financial risk. For me, I'm a Virgo. I've been through a lot and I tend to be quite tight with money. I'm the one who opts for water and the cheapest menu items while he gets the up-size. Point is, I tend to sacrifice my wants just to save money so had he not believed in me, I doubt I'd ever believed in myself enough to improve my technology. It's not my fault that photographic gear is so outrageously extravagantly expensive! Yet, even if it wasn't, I'd still find some excuse. I know that deep down and just avoid it. Still, his words were a much needed magical spell interwoven into my ears.
I've spend the last few years almost incapable of producing new work. My computer was so slow despite my maintenance knowledge that just editing a simple session could take weeks. I stopped editing my personal work. I started turning away potential clients with the excuse that I was booked. Truth is, I would've been beautifully booked had I stopped lying. I just felt that no one deserved to wait on my to provide their photos because of my dying technology so I only took on the clients that I could handle promptly. This lesson was learned harshly after failing a good friend on their session. Thankfully, we're still friends and my computer finally had a serious hard drive failure on top of all the other ailments ranging from cosmetic to failed internal and external batteries. I'm thankful because my replacement computer truly works. I can finally multitask. I feel like an artist who finally got new brushes and paint after using a stub of a brush and dry, cracking paint with nothing left but the oil. Now, my task is to edit and share the thousands (yes, thousands!) of photos from my old hard drive and be better organized now that I have no excuse. Well, none except time. The one thing I can't control no matter how much logic there is in maximizing time by excluding sleep it's just not possible.
So now, my goal is to not fail my Husband in his support of my work. To take my career more seriously. Not just because we need the income, but because it is something that I love to do. I have been revamping my website and branding and every area of my work. Even my workflow and home organization. I am ready for the next step in this journey so that I can have more time this year to enjoy my nature addiction as nothing brings me such pleasure. Everything came to a halt last June. I'd photographed for Camp TJ, the Glasgow Fire Department and had other opportunities come up that were lost in the mess of keeping my family together. I'm thankful to those who helped during that time, but will forever doubt the word of a large company for putting us in the situation to begin with despite being promised otherwise. Now I must work harder than ever to repair the damage to my career and the resulting emotional toll.
I'm SO looking forward to the increase in temperatures. Not that I can't be outdoors in the winter, just the sudden rush of life and warmth ushered in with spring provides a sense of exhilaration. This year I plan to conduct many intimate explorations of nature as I have always done, but hopefully find some others just as addicted to nature as I am. Hiking at Mammoth Cave National Park and swimming at Dale Hollow Lake are two of my favorite places to be, but I'm hoping this is the year to find others who also agree. It's just so hard to find people that want to explore the rugged world around us and feel the tactile sensations of life instead of seeing the world though a video game or movie. Or who don't feel that you must be rich to be a good friend. I find that good friends - true friends, can be together anywhere without money and be just as close with as much fun. Nature provides the ultimate playground and I plan to get muddy.
Stay tuned to my Facebook as I will be documenting my outdoor adventures via my photography and sharing journal entries on my new personal blog which you are currently reading.