Every day it gets closer to fall. Although the glorious display of fall colors is a thing of pride for trees such as a peacock's wings, I find the season to be depressing. Of course I have my favorite holiday (Halloween) to look forward to, but times have changed. As I've gotten older, it's became harder to find friends who weren't too busy to dress up or who hadn't been in suits or dresses so long that they'd forgotten how to live. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday because of the opportunity to be completely unique without society's standards controlling the way we feel about ourselves. Of course, we should not care daily, but it's hard to ignore the hurt that can build up over our walls.
So why do I find fall depressing? The obvious answer is the loss of the summer fun. Swimming. Exploring dark woods. In truth, I will miss the obvious, but I abhor watching nature die. Plants wither. Leaves fall. Trees become naked and twisted like some poetic story from Poe.
I enjoy the cool simplicity of fall, but not the loss of flowers and the life that was so free and vivid. Once the leaves fall, nature begins to prepare for hibernation. We as humans know that bitter cold and potentially dangerous snow could be on the horizon.
For me, I use this time to get out as much as possible. To exercise and prepare for the bitter cold and natural instinct to hibernate. Cleaning and ensuring that the only chores I have are indoors. Collecting books and ensuring I have survival supplies in order in case of a rare, but occasionally severe ice storm. It's became time to embrace the solitude and loneliness of winter. Fall is our last view of color.
Every fall, I must battle depression. Deep, solitude in the country does not help. Nor does Facebook with all the posts from other parts of the world where it's still warm and fun. Same for the posts of friends and family entertaining each other without remembering some of their 'close' friends.
Life tends to become more bittersweet and poignant than at other times. I truly hope Halloween this year holds more magic than last year. For the depression had become a dark fog - a sludgy, gooey, sticky fog like oil that encased me. I had such deep thoughts of the end of my existence that I've never before experienced and hope to never experience again. Despite the sadness of fall, I must try to prepare my mind for this time and be ready for the emotions and loneliness that threatens my life. In that way, fall has a purpose, but it is now and forever more a depressing season that marks the beginning of the impending cold, colorless season.