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RIP Sphinx

RIP Sphinx....Around 4:25 am, after a long sleepless night, he left me forever. I tried to be strong for him, but lost it when he curled his paw over my finger as if he needed the comfort. I'd held him in my lap, gently petting him for hours. Time passed so swiftly. Sphinx was one of my 'three musketeers' I'd had since high school. Losing Gizmo October 2016 was hard, but Sphinx feels worse. He liked to be next to me on my desk while I edited photos. He loved to sleep with his head on my shoulder and had a magical ability to put you to sleep. He was my dreamcatcher. With him by my side, I slept. I awoke to find him still beside me and he always was there to comfort my tears. How I wish I had him to comfort me now. I am alone. Everyone is asleep, where I need to be, but I know if I don't talk I will stare at a dark ceiling.

He's been sick for awhile, but the vet, the same one that failed to help me with Loki (see post and comments Nov 12th), was unable to determine the cause. Not knowing why will always haunt and guilt me. It started with an ear infection with drainage. Despite several hundred dollars, all that was prescribed was multiple rounds of antibiotics. He'd developed cataracts. When I asked if they would affect his vision anytime soon and was told, "possibly, IF he lives that long". I will forever regret not taking him to another vet. I trusted them. After Loki, I now know better. Had I saw the signs that this vet no longer had the dedication they once had, I'd maybe been able to save him. I know he wouldn't have lived forever, but I wish he could've. I will be monitoring the others for signs of illness. Please let them be ok.

I worry how Spica will be, now that her 'brothers' are gone. Thankfully I'm still sleeping in my office with Loki, so he's still quarantined. I feel so numb. A strange mix of nausea and tears that won't descend. I don't look forward to telling the kids or burying him. This hurts so much and it's not even fully hit me yet with the exhaustion finally taking over. If only this was a bad dream. Goodbye Sphinx, I'll never forget you...<3

Update, December 19th:

WHY when we are hurting do people (who claim to love us) leave us alone to endure the pain alone!! So many thoughts swirling like a whirlpool full of tears and broken pieces of my heart. It's hard enough to lose Sphinx, but worse to feel like there's something wrong with me for feeling so empty. The absence would be partially justified, had I been a sobbing mess. I've done well to contain the pain internally by distracting myself with work, but am being avoided as if I have some contagious disease. I was left on my own to hold him as he died. Only the sound of snoring to comfort me. Alone, I placed him into the box. Alone, I decontaminated, forgetting to turn on the cold. Alone, I'll have to bury him. I want to be held and cry until I can't. Sphinx was not waiting for me after my shower. It felt so wrong. He was always there. Always waiting for me to go to bed so he could lay with me. I need him now more than ever. I can't sleep.Spica is on my desk keeping me company as I work, so I am thankful at least she seems to have taken his death better than I have. Initially, the thought with such pain is to never have pets, never go through this. Yet, for over 13yrs he brought me more comfort than most humans have bothered to do. It is a deep wound to lose a pet, but worth the pain to have such love. Each has a distinctly different, irreplaceable personality. They are wild creatures that trust us scary humans. Despite instinct to run, they learn to love us. It's deeply beautiful.