A Tiny Beautiful Purpose
For nearly a year, I’ve been shut down and ‘offline’ in a puddle of despair. Losing my dad suddenly to Covid and then my seasonal park ranger position ending at Mammoth Cave National Park was harder than I’d anticipated. Little did I know what journey awaited me.
Months of physical pain in my joints, hips and pelvic area suddenly limited my mobility. I went from backcountry hiking to needing help just to walk at 37. It’s been a humbling experience and I’ve since gained a tiny beautiful purpose. I am now a mother of three, thirteen years after my youngest. We survived a pregnancy with complications, preeclampsia and an unexpected emergency cesarean an hour away from home, weeks too early. I’d gained over 40lbs in water weight in a few short weeks and my blood pressure reached 200 as we awaited the surgery. Then the day I was to be released, they messed up my meds and crashed my blood pressure into the 50’s. I had to stay a 5th day which was so disappointing. How I missed my other two kids! I’d never been away from them this long. Recovery and adjusting have been a challenge both physically and mentally. Nothing like almost dying to change perspective and make you appreciate living!
She’ll be four months in August and I am just now starting to get some normalcy of life back. For our health during pregnancy and success breastfeeding after, I put everything and everyone on hold to focus 100% on me and her. Exclusively breastfeeding has been a full time job with guaranteed overtime. My health had resulted in a low breastmilk supply, so she nursed hourly or less often. She quite literally kept my hands full. Feeding being nearly constant meant I could barely eat or drink unless Chaz and the kids helped. I struggled and failed to build a milk stash for Chaz so I could return to work. Not returning meant I’d lose my non-competitive rehire status. The timing of an unprecedented nationwide formula shortage took away my ability to supplement with formula. I was her only food source. I had to make the difficult decision to temporarily walk away from the multi-year bat monitor job I loved (and swore I’d never leave) with a partner who was my best friend, and a second season as a park ranger at Mammoth Cave. Now Soul Gaze Photography is my only source of income. My work is behind due to my health, but I remain focused on getting caught up. I’m finally able to be home to rebuild the small business I put on the back burner while I worked.
I miss the bats, the social interaction, my work family and the visitors. I miss being underground in the peaceful serenity of Mammoth Cave and Great Onyx. I’d worked so hard to get where I was. Since 2015, I’d applied for every position I was qualified for. I volunteered and was an intern. I never gave up. I’m not giving up now. This was my dream, I hope to return as soon as I can. Though I also really don’t want to leave her. It’s such a strange feeling this predicament. Men will never know the pain a woman feels. The sacrifices we make for our children. Yet despite it all, I am so very grateful to the universe for our new and unexpected adventure. She’s brought such joy and wonder to our lives, even with all I’ve lost and endured to get here. A decade long marriage had ended without another sibling, I never expected I’d be a mother again. It’s interesting how everything can change when least expected. All things have purpose and reason. A plan greater than each of us, destiny will prevail.
